PocketMatrix

haha, i can turn on anonymous comments, i didn't realize they were off.


[Edit] They are now on. Comment, tell me I'm an idiot.

Disillusionment with the self is nothing new. Sage Francis said it best: "If you're a poor man's version of anything, it's your self-perception."

The drive to do something totally "unique" -- which, in the way that we use the word, implies not having ANY influences -- is something distinctly American, and, quite obviously, foolish. There is no such thing as the completely unique, spontaneous thought, idea, or action. It simply doesn't exist.

You're frustrated because you believe there's no meaning in the world. That's bullshit. If you try to cultivate it, you can find it. It's there -- you're just not looking. It's like blaming a field for not growing corn that you never planted. Plant the seeds and it'll grow. There's more than enough out there -- there's no such thing as a physical inability to receive it and embrace it. Self-deprecation is nothing new and won't produce any meaning, if that's what you're looking for. Your quoting Camus is a perfect example of your desire for this to be an existential crisis. Your problem isn't that there's no meaning around you, or that you can't cultivate it -- just that you won't cultivate it. This is far from an incurable problem. Deal with it.

Oh, and weren't you a born-again virgin?

I, erghm, was born again virgin. My will-power waivered.

And I don't suppose I want to do something absolutely unique, I know that's impossible. I realize it's incredibly American to want to do something different and change the world, but hey.. we've all got dreams right? But, yes, I probably have admitted to myself that if I haven't done anything particularly special yet, it most likely won't happen. Eventually I'll finally submit to the mundaneness of my life ahead of me, but don't you think it's a little early to throw in the towel? And as Satre so astutely points out (he would be pissed to see how I bastardize this), we have the possiblility to do anything at any time and anytime we abandon our ability to do something, we are just backing down from the anxiety of having a choice.

Now as to cultivating, I don't think you quite got the point. I haven't ever felt attached to anything enough 'cultivate.' Of course I don't find meaning in the world, once one abandons the crutch of a higher being the anxiety of existence weighs heavily upon their mind. It is incredibly hard to find meaning in the world without a deity to assign it. This is my delimma, I believe. I haven't decided what I want the world to me, so there couldn't be any cultivation on my part. (oh this is going to be way to circular)

I don't see any meaning, therefore I can't find any reason to delve deeper into things. I understand the surface value of knowledge and I have a desire to have more, probably, only because I'm cocky and I like to know I know something. So the only cultivation I ever do is for purely selfish ends. I suppose that's my delimma, unselfishness. I can't find it. I want to have something to be unselfish for. I feel so Hobbes. I don't know. My brain is such a contradiction. I understand that Pyschological Egoism is a faulty theory, both in my heart and through logical reasoning on the subject, but I continually accuse myself of acting on purely selfish motives all the time. Even charity is just out of pity. I also think I just proved your point somehow.

Either way, in answer to your command to cultivate meaning in my world, I say wouldn't that require me to know what is meaningful and commit to it?

Just because you haven't found a meaning yet doesn't mean there isn't any. You're a fool to think so. If you've not seen any glimpse of a meaning yet, that doesn't give you an excuse to stop looking. That means you need to keep looking. There is a meaning to life, no matter who you are. The meaning is different for everyone however. You simply need to look until you find something that makes sense. It will just click one day in your mind and you'll feel amazed.

Born-again virginity is bullshit. You don't get a second chance at something like that. If you pissed that away, that's it. And it doesn't surprise me that your "will waivered." If you could piss away your virginity, then you would do the same over and over again.

Yeah, like Terry Pratchett.

You need a moral enema or something, Chuck. Time to realize that life doesn't even start until you're 30. You've still got plenty more time to fuck around and figure out what it is that moves, drives, err.. cultivates you.

Hell, I still have plenty of time. In fact, I'm going to go play some video games right now.