by randall » Apr 16, 2002 @ 11:37am
In a similar vein to all kids your age, I think it is unrealistic to think you will take our advice. We should be wise enough not to condemn you when you don't. Take it or leave it, I won't give you solutions, but rather boring dribble so that you can make your own decisions. Nobody can solve problems for you.
A lifelong friend is idealistic, not realistic. Things happen and the glue that bound you together becomes less and less important.
If she is really one of those "friends for life" type people, give her a call in 5-10 years, she'll be happy to hear from you. Maybe even a year from now. You can never really lose her.
If she begins fading away, struggling to maintain hold of the relationship signals that there is something going on. Identify with it. We all miss people, but we can't MAKE them stay. Maybe she is busy. Maybe a boyfriend is occuppying her time. When she's she has the time, she'll be back.
Is it possible to have a platonic relationship? There isn't a definitive answer to that. (Harry met Sally) That would require a strict definition. But to what extremes can a male/female relationship stretch before it is no longer platonic? Its not a black and white issue.
Is it the complete absence of certain sexual behavior/activity? Are we supposed to believe that Man and Woman are supposed to be some kind of androgenous beings, in order to be "platonic"? What is a woman, if she is not feminine. What is a man if he is not masculine? (don't say a dyke or a fag)
It is my belief that friendships of this nature should be explored without boundries. Are you telling me that one or both of you are drawing a strict line and neither can cross it? I don't see how that works. I have never had to draw a line with my male buddies, why should it be so in a supposedly platonic relationship?
In a platonic friendship, sexual tension will be a constant. However subtle or blatant. There is no way around it.
Usually friends of this nature become extremely close and comfortable. It often becomes more of a battle to keep your hands off each other, so the guard comes down. Flirtation is generally accepted, since it is sometimes tossed as a sarcastic gesture. Both parties know this playful harmless behavior isn't really that. It is a mask for true feelings.
Once the sexual tension is acknowledged, both can work toward relieving it. Since when has denial made something go away? Never.
Now if both of you remain too distant to feel any sexual chemistry between you, then something else is going on. Why the arms-length distance?
She is a woman. She needs to feel like one, this necessitates sexuality and the freedom to express. She may joke and act like its cool when she is treated like "one of the guys", but this is a terrific sacrifice in order to be near you. It can't possibly last on a day-to-day basis.
The reverse is true as well. How long will you tolerate being "one of the girls", constantly emasculated?
Affection is one way that we show approval, and is displayed in a number of ways dependant on the relationship. Does she treat you the same way as she treats her Dad? Does she treat her Dad the same way she treats you?
Lets change things a little. Instead of Dad, use any of these words: sister, Mom, Teacher, female-friend. If you answer yes to any of those, she shouldn't be too surprised at any frustration.
I'd hate to think that a deep and loving hug, flirtation or playful kiss occasionally would void this of platonic. I said OCCASIONALLY! I don't even find anything wrong with a passionate kiss, snuggling, or god forbit... sex. OCCASIONALLY! The needs and desires are much more important than any line that can be drawn.
My female-friend gave me my first kiss. That one kiss must've lasted 15 hours (or so it seemed). So comfortable, I wasn't afraid of her and the awkwardness disappeared for a moment. It enhanced our bond, reaffirmed our friendship, and removed the tension that had been building up for so long.
We had no committment to each other, and I wasn't jealous when she dated other guys. I didn't date until much later, and I NEVER dated my female-friend for the entire 10 years we remained in constant contact.
If either of you reject the advances of the other, then things could go rapidly downhill. Lame excuses like "please don't, we're just friends", certainly don't make those feelings disappear.
What's wrong with sharing intimacy between such friends? It's not normally a public display, but rather when the two are together, alone. Eventually, one of three things will happen on their own:
1.) "things" start to subside on their own.
2.) Both of you will find a happy medium where occasional "things" happen.
3.) "things" happen regularly and there is no longer a platonic relationship.
Of course there is a number 4, where ONE of you wants to pursue a serious relationship, while the other person opposes a serious relationship. That right there determines that this never was a platonic relationship. That scenario will pretty much resolve itself.
The first two don't void a platonic friendship, if you ask me. Draw a harsh line or go by the strict dictionary definition if you want. But its the grey areas of any relationship that make it work and make it so unique.
The third one takes it to a new level. Obviously this is what should have happened long ago if both parties would have pulled their heads out of their butt.
Are you bored yet? Paul I am inserting your name here so your word search at least comes up with one item. Now let me bore you with experiences.
Sometimes we learn things the hard way. A platonic friend of mine and I drove to Seattle to visit her friends. I didn't know them, and felt awkward. My brother lived nearby, so I told her I was going over there and she was fine with it.
She WASN'T fine with it. Come to find out it hurt her feelings and an argument ensued. All I needed to say was "I'm sorry", but I was too busy being "Right". We departed and declined to talk to each other for a week.
I woke up on a Sunday morning still pissed off, but decided that I could live with it. Eventually she'll crumble. I was evil. Oh wait, I AM evil.
As I was eating my cereal, I saw her name flash across the TV screen of the morning news- Dawnya Calbreath (don't make fun of her name). In the background was Burger King, where she was the manager.
A former employee (Blake Pirtle) burst into the store at around 6:30am knowing both managers were there alone preparing the store to open. I can't remember the exact sequence after that but:
Blake told the male manager to lie down on the floor face down, while he "knocked him out" with a fire extinguisher. Blake proceeded to crush his skull.
Dawnya was tied up in the office, but escaped and pulled the emergency alarm. Blake knocked her unconsious with a paint can, spreading paint everywhere. He grabbed a bread knife and attempted to "saw her head off". According to his own words in court, sawing a persons head off isn't as easy as it looks.
The alarm she pulled was not connected to anything.
I never told her I was sorry, and it never goes away. Nowadays I try to resolve arguements as soon as possible. Sometimes you miss the second chance.
Last edited by
randall on Apr 16, 2002 @ 2:00pm, edited 1 time in total.
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